God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Wow.. it has been a really long time since I've written a post. So much has changed. In fact, everything has changed. Andrew and I broke up on January 23rd.. was really out of the blue and unexpected. I sometimes wonder if everything with the baby got to him. We've only spoken a few times since the split. I was tested for both leukemia and lupus at the beginning of the year, but ultimately I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. That hasn't been terrible, mostly just annoying. I had my 20th birthday, which honestly was one of the worst birthdays ever. My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Bostin Page, on January 2nd. I cried when her mom came to the waiting room and said he was here. I cried when I held him for the first time. And I cried when I thought of the fact that I should have a baby in my belly. I cried for sadness for myself, mostly. However, the tears were also from jealousy, and genuine happiness as well. Having Bostin in my life has been a million times more healing than I'd ever thought it would be. He's nearly 6 months old now.. getting so big. I have seen most of his first, and gave him his first big, belly laugh. It was pure bliss. I love him like he was my own, he's exactly what I needed. I've got a new boyfriend, Josh. He's amazing, and so understanding about my loss. I don't talk about it much, but I honestly don't need to. He knows when I'm upset about it without me even saying anything. He's the reason I made it through my first Mother's Day. In fact, he was the only person who acknowledged me as a mother. I take my paramedic certification in two days, and I'm really really nervous. Hoping Papa, Jimmy, and Angel Baby will guide me to the right answers. Lastly, my family is moving to California. I've often wondered if I should go too, it could be a fresh start. However, I have roots here. I have a good reputation, friends, and so many memories and experiences here. At this time, I'm not so sure I could leave.
Basically, I try and live each day, one at a time. I'm amazed at the things I've made it through in the last almost 7 months. One week from today, I will endure the due date of the baby that I'll never hold. More importantly, I'll do it alone. I know Andrew won't remember.. and even if he did, he wouldn't say anything. For now, I'll try and focus on one thing at a time. At this moment, I'm focusing on my test. Then the pageant I'm in on Saturday. Then.. THEN I worry about facing what's bound to be one of the hardest days of my life. We'll see..
