This just can't get any worse..

An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth." - Anonymous

I dreamt of Baby E last night.. he was perfect, of course. Andrew and I were alone in the hospital room, I assume I had just had him. We took a moment to just stare, in awe, at our new little boy. He had a little tiny bit of blonde hair.. not much. In fact, he was almost bald. He has his daddy's blue eyes and my lips. The cutest little nose, and chubby little cheeks.  He had ten perfect fingers, and ten adorable toes.. Oh, what I'd give to kiss those teeny wrinkley feet, and that round little face.. If only for one time..

I lost my job this morning.. It's a long story and frankly, I just want to forget about it. Just another thing to add to my already heaping plate, and another thing for me to be angry about. I just wish I could catch a break already.. you know the saying "When it rains, it pours?" Well, first.. that person needs smacked. Second of all, may I have an umbrella now? I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I have no appetite. I've got a massive headache. And I just want to earase this. Andrew has been so wonderful through all of this, God love him. "I know it hurts, baby".."I'm sorry baby".."I wish I could help, sweetie." None of this is his fault, so why must the poor thing feel like it is? Oh, and another thing. The person who said Duct tape fixes everything.. yeah, well, he needs smacked to because that's just a frickin lie.

I still haven't had the break down that I know is imminent.. We're going to see my "nephew" tonight, and I'm really excited. He is the light of my life right now. I can't believe he's going to turn 1 in two days!! I'm going to snuggle him all night. At least the little stinker can make me smile.. What I'm not looking forward to is coming home afterwards.. home to an empty bed without Andrew.. Oh, that's another thing.. I'm having seperation anxiety and I hate it.. but I can't help it. I cry when he leaves my house, when he hangs up the phone, even when he's with me but is in the other room for too long, I start stressing out.. Who am I!? I'm used to being fairly independent.. this isn't me. Am I going to be like this forever? God, I hope not.. Anyways.. I'm not looking forward to coming home, knowing I'm going to be alone, knowing there's no longer a tiny baby in my belly, knowing I'm not going to get to sleep for hours, knowing I am miserable. I just.. I wish I could give this membership card back. I'm done being in this group.. What I hate, is that there is other women out there feeling EXACTLY the way I do right now. How is that even fair? What did we do that was so wrong that we don't deserve these little babies!? Not to say that women who have never suffered a loss deserve to, because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. In fact, those women should consider themselves SO lucky.

Day four and I'm only feeling worse.. this does get better, right? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right? Well, I guess I've gotta get past the "doesn't kill me" part first because right now, I feel like I'm going to die. Figuratively, obviously. Sigh. One day at a time..

Thanks for checking in,

-Mal

I'm screaming on the inside..

The LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace. -Numbers 6:26

It’s 1:30 AM, and it has now been two days since I had my miscarriage confirmed.. This has been the hardest two days of my entire life. I didn’t even know it was possible to have so many emotions at one time. It is utterly exhausting. In the last 36 hours, I have been mad, sad, pissed, depressed, numb, empty, and completely and utterly confused. My heart.. well, it feels like someone shattered it. Our baby may not have been planned, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still heartbroken. My intuition says Baby E was a boy, and I love him so much. I feel so guilty. Not only that he couldn’t hold on long enough to meet his mommy and daddy, but that Andrew is having to go through this as well. I wish I could just erase this all from him. He’s trying to be strong for me, and it breaks my heart. My mind knows that this was no one’s fault, and there was no way anyone could have prevented it.. but my heart still says its my fault. Cant they just be on the same page already? I am hurt, and angry. I want to scream, as loud as I can, until my voice gives out. I want to cry the kind of cry that shakes your whole body.. I NEED to cry that cry. I feel like I need to physically expel this built up emotion, and that’s the only way I know how. So far I have had to cry silently, because I don’t want the girls (my two younger sisters) to hear me.. they’re so excited to be aunts someday, I cant bear the thought of them knowing I lost their first nephew (or neice.. but probably nephew). If someone would just give me that chance to scream and cry, I know I would feel so much better. I have taken a lot of comfort in various songs.. my favorite being called “Borrowed Angels,” with the chorus saying:

There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever
Cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again

And there’s quite a few poems I like as well. But I have a favorite poem too:

I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mom!

 

I try and take comfort in the fact that Jimmy (my cousin) and Andrew’s Papaw are up there with our little nugget, looking after him. I’m sure Jimmy is teaching him all about baseball and the Angels (ironic), and of course, USC football! And I never met Papaw.. but I’m sure he’s teaching our little one all about John Deere tractors, drinkin beer, and teaching him naughty things I wouldn’t approve of. Just the thought of those things alone makes me smile.. just another wave of emotion. Two seconds from now I’m sure I’ll be crying. I’m realizing that this is going to be a long, long road.. but that’s ok, I guess.

Thanks for checking in,

-mal

Where my nightmare begins..

this particular post may not be for the faint of heart..


Ok. So. I got my "period" on October 22, 2011 but it was suuper light and only lasted two days.. I thought it was weird, but whatever. But, when October 31st came around, I got this gut feeling that I was pregnant. So, I did what any logical woman who thinks she's pregnant does: I took a pregnancy test. I took one at midnight that night, and it was negative. No big deal, right? Wrong. The next morning, something still didn't feel right. So, I took test number 2 with "first morning urine" like I was supposed to.. 3 minutes later, aaaaaand.. it was positive. First I didn't know what to feel. I, of course, cried and kept repeating "Oh my god" under my breath. I was scared, shocked, happy, and overall just freaking OUT. I called the doctor and he ordered a blood test, yadda yadda.. waited around <insert boring fluff here>.. I was sure I was pregnant, but blood test came back negative. Now what!? Long story short, I was bummed, but we just figured it was a faulty test, and we got on with our lives.. until three weeks later.


On Thursday the 24th (Thanksgiving) I started spotting around 9 pm while in line for Best Buy, waitin to get my new laptop. It wasn't too bad yet, I wanted my new laptop, and it was around the "right" time for a period anyways, so I didn't worry about it. Fast forward to Friday and Saturday.. I had the WORST cramps I have ever experienced in my life.. Here's where the descriptiveness comes in: I started passing clots Friday night and all day Saturday. However, Saturday night, I passed a big glob of tissue (sorry!). I was slightly freaked out, but tried to remain calm. Remember, at this point I thought the test was negative and didn't realize what was really going on. Sunday the bleeding slowed down, except for a small episode in the afternoon. It dawned on me that evening why this "period" was so horrendous: what if it wasn't a period at all? So, I called my doctor first thing Monday morning, and on Monday November 28, 2011, I was told I had had my very first (and hopefully last ever) miscarriage. Not a club I wanted to join..


So, I bet you're asking yourself "What the hell happened?" Well, I'll tell you. He never told me if he saw a sac (or baby) on the screen, but thats irrelevant. He's pretty sure that I got pregnant sometime in October and lost the baby on or around the 22nd, which explains the bleeding I had then. That also explains the funky situation with the pregnancy tests. Normally, when you get a positive test, its because you have rising levels of hcg (the pregnancy hormone) in your blood. Well, my hcg was actually DECLINING, not rising. As of today, my hormone levels are zero. Doctor said this is probably becaust my body must've held the baby in for some reason and waited until Saturday night to expel it.. little angel baby was around 5-6 weeks when he or she passed away, and I wouldve been 10 weeks sometime this week.. Doctor also said the lining of my uterus is very, very thin, which is indicative of a miscarriage. No one knows why it happened, and we never will (dammit!). But, the miscarriage was complete naturally, so I dont have to go through any procedures or surgeries and he reassured me that this shouldn't affect my fertility in the future. Oh, and I have a two inch cyst on my left ovary. Ironically, I had just made an appointment for December 2nd to see him about this, because I knew I had a cyst. Lucky me.


Where do I stand now? Well.. to be honest.. I'm numb. I'm pissed and I'm hurt and I'm numb.. I'll do a better update tomorrow.. thanks for checking in.


-mal