An angel in the book of life wrote down our baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for earth." - Anonymous
I dreamt of Baby E last night.. he was perfect, of course. Andrew and I were alone in the hospital room, I assume I had just had him. We took a moment to just stare, in awe, at our new little boy. He had a little tiny bit of blonde hair.. not much. In fact, he was almost bald. He has his daddy's blue eyes and my lips. The cutest little nose, and chubby little cheeks. He had ten perfect fingers, and ten adorable toes.. Oh, what I'd give to kiss those teeny wrinkley feet, and that round little face.. If only for one time..
I lost my job this morning.. It's a long story and frankly, I just want to forget about it. Just another thing to add to my already heaping plate, and another thing for me to be angry about. I just wish I could catch a break already.. you know the saying "When it rains, it pours?" Well, first.. that person needs smacked. Second of all, may I have an umbrella now? I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. I have no appetite. I've got a massive headache. And I just want to earase this. Andrew has been so wonderful through all of this, God love him. "I know it hurts, baby".."I'm sorry baby".."I wish I could help, sweetie." None of this is his fault, so why must the poor thing feel like it is? Oh, and another thing. The person who said Duct tape fixes everything.. yeah, well, he needs smacked to because that's just a frickin lie.
I still haven't had the break down that I know is imminent.. We're going to see my "nephew" tonight, and I'm really excited. He is the light of my life right now. I can't believe he's going to turn 1 in two days!! I'm going to snuggle him all night. At least the little stinker can make me smile.. What I'm not looking forward to is coming home afterwards.. home to an empty bed without Andrew.. Oh, that's another thing.. I'm having seperation anxiety and I hate it.. but I can't help it. I cry when he leaves my house, when he hangs up the phone, even when he's with me but is in the other room for too long, I start stressing out.. Who am I!? I'm used to being fairly independent.. this isn't me. Am I going to be like this forever? God, I hope not.. Anyways.. I'm not looking forward to coming home, knowing I'm going to be alone, knowing there's no longer a tiny baby in my belly, knowing I'm not going to get to sleep for hours, knowing I am miserable. I just.. I wish I could give this membership card back. I'm done being in this group.. What I hate, is that there is other women out there feeling EXACTLY the way I do right now. How is that even fair? What did we do that was so wrong that we don't deserve these little babies!? Not to say that women who have never suffered a loss deserve to, because I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. In fact, those women should consider themselves SO lucky.
Day four and I'm only feeling worse.. this does get better, right? What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, right? Well, I guess I've gotta get past the "doesn't kill me" part first because right now, I feel like I'm going to die. Figuratively, obviously. Sigh. One day at a time..
Thanks for checking in,
-Mal
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