It's been several days since I've posted (obviously). I spent the day with my friend Mandy and my "nephew" Rhiley on Thursday and Friday. Rhiley (otherwise known as Monkey) turned the big O-N-E on Friday. He's come so far in the 8 months I've known him. I love that little boy so much.. Thursday was awesome, as was most of Friday. Friday afternoon, I woke him up from a nap to get him ready to go meet up with Mandy at her parents' house and he just smiled at me. It was precious. Long story short, we had a good day making cupcakes for his party and just overall hanging out. We ate dinner at Todd and Mandy's that night, and Andrew had come down as well. Everything was great, Rhiley babbling and crawling around.. and then he looked at Andrew and said "Dada." I wanted to die. I know it's not his fault, and he certainly doesn't know any better.. but that situation was quite possibly one of the most upsetting I've been in since my loss. Obviously, I don't blame him.. but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. Sigh.
I was able to spend a LOT of time with Andrew this weekend, and I really needed it. I'm still having separation anxiety, but I feel like it's getting a little better.. or at least that's what I'm telling myself. He is seriously a god send. He makes me laugh, even when I don't want to. I was deathly ill all weekend with that pukey crap that's going around. He did his best to take care of me, poor guy. He's having to do that alot lately.. I feel so guilty. At least I know he loves me, because God knows I love the shit out of him! The man is a saint, simple as that.
You know what REALLY pisses me the hell off? People. Specifically: stupid people. Umm, hi. I just had a frickin miscarriage 9 days ago, don't tell me to just "get over it." I'm sorry that people think that they since they did, know someone who did, or think that they would get over it in a matter of day (or even hours with some people), I AM NOT YOU. My baby was a miracle. A gift from God. I am hurt and angry and sad and cofused as to why He took him away, but that is irrelevant. I am entitled to freaking grieve, OK!? I'm not even joking, the next person to tell me that it's time I move on.. yeah, they're going to get smacked.
Rant over. Next subject.
I've been searching long and hard for the song that would really speak to me.. well tonight I found it. I'm not sure why.. But I feel like the music to most of the miscarriage/infant loss songs is cheesy. Not all of them, but alot of them. On the other hand, the lyrics.. Generally, the lyrics are amazing. My favorite is "borrowed angels" (mentioned in one of my other posts). The chorus is my absolute favorite part, it gets me everytime. But to listen to the lyrics with the music.. ugh. Of course when im having an emotional break down (like I did tonight), I tend to look past the cheesy music and am able to focus on the words.. Anyways. The song I am totally relating to at the moment is "Streets Of Heaven" by Sherrie Austin. You can find a video with the song here. It's powerful, to me at least. Granted, my child wasn't seven years old, but you get the point..
Lately I go back and forth between the anger/depression.. But I am also starting to SLOWLY realize the reason God took my baby. I may not ever like it, but I think I might be starting to understand it.. I think maybe, I needed to lose this baby so that when I have my forever babies, I will love them that much more. I have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately, and feel like I'm snapping at everyone. But at the same time, I feel like I'm learning a whole new meaning to love. A whole new WAY to love. It's going to take time, but I'm on the very long, slow, path to healing. I will tell my future children about this one day when they're old enough.. why? Because I want them to know why their mommy loves them so much.. because my love for my children will be my world. My moon, my sun, my stars. That love will be immense, and immeasurable. I'm going to have some spoiled, lucky babies.. because this mama loves them already. Thanks for checking in.
-Mal
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