"No one will ever know the strength of my love for you. Afterall, you're the
only one who knows what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside."
-Anonymous
I haven't written in a long time.. I'm not really sure why, to be honest. Probably because of the holidays, and my purposeful acts of keeping myself busy. Life is.. well, it sucks. I was doing so well, too..
My mom informed me that my middle sister over-heard my mom talking.. she knows now. It breaks my heart, especially because mom said that my sister cried hysterically because she was so upset.. both for me, and that she didn't get to be an aunt. Her exact words were: "Hasn't she been through enough, Mom!?" I ask myself that everyday, sissy. I don't know why this has happened to me.. I really don't know. Everything reminds me of the sweet little baby I'll never hold.. the little face I'll never kiss. Everything reminds me of my papa, and how I wish I could call him, one more time.. I'd give anything to listen to him ramble about computers for an hour and a half.. Seriously, I'd give anything.. I thought things had finally started to sink in, and that my heart was healing. I was wrong. Today, was the roughest day I've had in a while. First of all, I spent the majority of the day with my best friend, trying to induce her labor. We were unsuccessful.. thank God. Don't get me wrong, I love her and the son she carries in her belly. I love that little boy like he were my own flesh and blood.. but that doesn't make my envy go away. Although, I wish it would.
In fact, I wish I could just.. make ALL of this go away. The same pregnant friend was talking about her upcoming June wedding.. and she mentioned how one of her bridesmaids is pregnant. Anyone care to guess what that bridesmaid's due date is? That's right: June 26, 2012.. the same day I was due. If that's not a sick, cruel joke.. well, I'm not really sure what is. Like, what the HELL did I do. I feel like "fate" is making a mockery of me. I have to spend the next seven and a half months doing wedding shit with her. Not only that, but I will have to spend an ENTIRE day with her, 10 days before her due date. As if that wasn't bad enough, it's not like I can just pout, or even decide not to go. No, I get to stand next to her, in front of hundreds of people, and put a fake ass smile on my face. Sure, I'm happy for my friend. But I'm not happy I'll have to stand next to the bitch who stole my due date. Like, screw you, chick. You stand there in you giant, pregnant glory while I just.. just.. DIE inside. No big deal.
I realize her being pregnant and due on my due date is not her fault, she doesn't even know who I am. But that doesn't make me any less pissed off. Not to mention that I found out today that my aunt and cousin are moving cross-country to be there when my other cousin's baby is born. However, it's a permanent move.. and I'm very close to both of them. It's cool, I'll just have NO effing extended family out here. No worries.
I feel so.. lost. And hopeless. ALL. THE. TIME. Even now, as I type this, I am near-sobbing. I'm so broken and empty inside.. I really thought I was healing, but I feel like I'm only getting worse. Everyone around me is having babies, or getting engaged, or married. Everyone is so.. happy. Why don't I deserve any of that? I don't know what I did.. I really don't. Please, God, show me what I did wrong.. I really don't know that I can take any more disappointment in my life.. I need something happy, something to smile about. Today marks one month ago that I found out I'd lost my baby.. I think my mind remembered, because I woke up this morning with red, puffy eyes. I know I didn't cry last night before bed, so that can only mean I was sobbing in my sleep. The thing is, that happens alot. I cant sleep at night, I have no appetite, I'm exhausted all day, my vision is even out of whack.. and I'm pretty sure I cry in my sleep.. put that in combination with the amount that I cry when I'm awake.. I spend alot of time shedding tears. I really wish I knew what to even do with myself anymore.. four days until 2012.. Maybe, just maybe, this fresh new year will bring a fresh new start. Probably just wishful thinking..
Thanks for checking in,
Mal
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