It’s 1:30 AM, and it has now been two days since I had my miscarriage confirmed.. This has been the hardest two days of my entire life. I didn’t even know it was possible to have so many emotions at one time. It is utterly exhausting. In the last 36 hours, I have been mad, sad, pissed, depressed, numb, empty, and completely and utterly confused. My heart.. well, it feels like someone shattered it. Our baby may not have been planned, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still heartbroken. My intuition says Baby E was a boy, and I love him so much. I feel so guilty. Not only that he couldn’t hold on long enough to meet his mommy and daddy, but that Andrew is having to go through this as well. I wish I could just erase this all from him. He’s trying to be strong for me, and it breaks my heart. My mind knows that this was no one’s fault, and there was no way anyone could have prevented it.. but my heart still says its my fault. Cant they just be on the same page already? I am hurt, and angry. I want to scream, as loud as I can, until my voice gives out. I want to cry the kind of cry that shakes your whole body.. I NEED to cry that cry. I feel like I need to physically expel this built up emotion, and that’s the only way I know how. So far I have had to cry silently, because I don’t want the girls (my two younger sisters) to hear me.. they’re so excited to be aunts someday, I cant bear the thought of them knowing I lost their first nephew (or neice.. but probably nephew). If someone would just give me that chance to scream and cry, I know I would feel so much better. I have taken a lot of comfort in various songs.. my favorite being called “Borrowed Angels,” with the chorus saying:
There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever
Cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again
They come along, into this world, and make this world bright
But they can't stay forever
Cause they're heaven sent
And sometimes, heaven needs them back again
And there’s quite a few poems I like as well. But I have a favorite poem too:
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realise until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special mom!
I try and take comfort in the fact that Jimmy (my cousin) and Andrew’s Papaw are up there with our little nugget, looking after him. I’m sure Jimmy is teaching him all about baseball and the Angels (ironic), and of course, USC football! And I never met Papaw.. but I’m sure he’s teaching our little one all about John Deere tractors, drinkin beer, and teaching him naughty things I wouldn’t approve of. Just the thought of those things alone makes me smile.. just another wave of emotion. Two seconds from now I’m sure I’ll be crying. I’m realizing that this is going to be a long, long road.. but that’s ok, I guess.
Thanks for checking in,
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